Wednesday, December 12, 2018
The worst Christmas record ever made
"You and your community can share experiences with Santa Claus that he has never before revealed." The... the what?
I realize this is a pretty tall claim, but this Mutual Radio Networks Program promo, At Home with Santa, is the worst Christmas record ever wished on the world. Not one of the worst, not possibly the worst, not the worst one until an even worse example comes along. Because a worse one isn't going to come along. This is it. This is the worst Christmas record ever made. Trust me.
And there I was, ready to nominate Granny's Holiday Fruitcake and its flip side. Then I remembered this thing. And I put it on for my first listen since 2015. Lord save us.
At Home with Santa is not only awful in all departments, it creates new departments to be awful in. The text is illiterate, the inept announcer's delivery is a primer in misplaced stress, both Santa and "Reporter Dick" deliver their lines as if rushing to the latrine with only seconds to spare, and God only knows precisely what the fractured text is trying to tell us. Something about a twenty-one-day program, plus an hour special, plus personalized promos, and... and.... (Ring, ring) Hello? Oh. Okay.
That was God. Turns out he doesn't know. Now what?
Either this was produced in a mental institution, or the Mutual Radio Network was an amateur outfit to end all amateur outfits. But how could it have been? Read the Wikipedia page. These can't be the same guys. But they must be.
"After all, your Chamber of Commerce and local radio station should be happy to offer a program to their community that no one else can offer." Right. I mean, if you don't care about the shut-ins and impoverished kids, well, there's the prestige of airing a program that no one else can offer. Who let these guys out? Was there a power outage, and they escaped before the back-up generators could kick in and reboot the alarms?
Let me put it in a 2018 fashion. The. Worst. Christmas. Record.
To fully enjoy this record, it helps to hate yourself.
To the fun: At Home with Santa