When I spotted I Don't Believe in Santa Claus on eBay, I knew it had to be one of two things: a cute-kid-singing-loudly-and-off-key number or a piece of garage band punk, circa-1967. I was leaning toward the latter, since the title seems a bit subversive for the I Saw Mommy../Nuttin' for Christmas genre, but... sure enough, it's a cute-kid-singing-loudly-and-out-of-key Christmas number. As in, very out of key, and very loudly. Maybe the Staffords (featuring Mark) were trying to bring new life (and volume) to this type of tune, but the lyrics don't work. The song goes from (spoiler alert!) Mark denying the existence of St. Nick and promising to be as bad as he can manage to be, only to take everything back and assure us that he does, he does, he does believe in Santa Claus. You see, the first part was all a bad dream. He was dreaming that he didn't believe in Santa Claus. This isn't a case of a good concept gone wrong--it's more like a vague concept evaporating before the needle reaches the run-off portion.
Who, I wonder, was "Schoch" (second label)? And was this the 177th 45 in his or her collection? Note how the letters are written in ink over pencil. Normally, I would have cloned out the writing, but "Schoch" seemed fitting. I can't explain why. Nor can I explain why my Epson decided this bright green label was something much closer to blue.
The flip (?), Teddy Bear, is not an Elvis cover, but a would-be heartwarmer about how the simplest things in life are the best ("Happiness is a big brown teddy bear"). Mark has all he wants or could ever want for Christmas--a teddy bear--but his two friends, both of whom got much fancier gifts, couldn't disagree more. That is, until Mark belts out a tribute to his teddy bear, whereupon his friends join him (leaping ahead of the arrangement, it sounds like) for this classic chorus:
"Teddy bear, teddy bear, You are my friend, you are my friend, Through rain or shine, shine or rain, Through thick or thin, thin or thick, You're a tried and true, real true blue, cuddly teddy bear..."
You know you want to hear this, just to make sure I didn't dream it. Maybe I did...
(UPDATE: See Bob's comment. Lyricist Max Spickol, who did the less than memorable lyrics for the first side, also wrote the words for Bill Haley's ABC Boogie, among other songs!)
DOWNLOAD: I Don't Believe in Santa Claus/Teddy Bear--The Staffords (G&S Records 111168)
Lee
9 comments:
Hey Lee. Nice find. You know how to tell the difference between a garage band 45 and an out of tune kiddie song? The garage 45 is going to cost a lot, lot, lot more. :) Well, in general. :)
Andy Warhol may have been too generous in granting each person ten minutes of fame. And if this is the Stafford's first act, no wonder there are no second acts in American life. Christmas has for far too long served as a sanctuary for bad taste and mediocrity. Throw this record down the kitsch-en sink. Okay, I'm exhausted with being cute. I admit to feeling secret pleasure when I hear records this bad. If an all-forgiving God made man in His image, he must have seen your face in the mirror when he decided to take that gamble. God bless you, Lee, and you keep blessing us with this Ripley's Believe-It-Or-Not blog of yours. I love my daily cyber strolls to your house of mirth.
Thanks, Lee, After hearing this, I am speechless. I wonder if it was a homemade, or one of those make a record in a record booth, or even we will record you type of records. Would have been better as an instrumental record. Just wondering, did they give these out to family and friends as a Christmas gift? Bryan
He can't be worse that Jimmy Boyd.
Ernie--Good point! Unless the dealer, for some reason, hadn't listened to it first, though that's not very likely.
David--Thanks for the nice words, and thanks for unleashing on these sides--I wanted to, but I held back. In fact, in my first draft, I warned people (in all-caps) to NOT download this zip, to not hold me responsible should they go ahead and do so. Then I took hold of myself and rewrote the essay, this time only hinting at the epic awfulness of this thing. I realized that, as a holiday blogger, I couldn't NOT share something this wondrously dreadful. It was my duty. My destiny.
Bryan--Nope, this was some tiny, tiny label with (probably) a tiny, tiny studio. I'm actually surprised at the professional instrumental backing--it's almost as if someone thought these two numbers were... good? And the kids must have been instructed to take things so far over the top, because the hyper-enthusiasm here is just too staged (and too badly so).
Buster--I would almost (note: almost) take Jimmy to Mark. It's a tough call.
Bryan,
Oh, and yes, I suspect these were vanity sides. Who else would have wanted these--er, besides "Schoch"? I wonder if G&S was a "song poem" label? Doesn't look it, but...
"Enp." in G & S Musical Enp. (ASCAP) is probably meaning Enterprising Non-Profits.
In the early sixties Marvin Stafford and Dr. Roger Good began writing musicals for Presbyterian Hospital student nurses. They had a part in the reincorporation of Musicrafters Inc. of Haverford Township [Pennsylvania] which had a double purpose : showcasing local talent and providing Presbyterian Medical Center with financial help.
Max Spickol wrote several songs recorded by Bill Haley & the Comets.
Bob,
Wow! Thanks--I didn't take the time to check out the songwriters. Looks like Spickol's big number was "ABC Boogie." Did you get your info on Good and Stafford from the Delaware County Daily Times? I don't have a subscription to newspapers.com.
Yes Lee, info is from Delaware County Daily Times.
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